Mike is joined by Artist Dennis Bredow as they discuss his struggles with depression and anxiety when disease took hold of his life physically, mentally, and emotionally. He shares how he overcame these struggles with the love of a great wife.
Big Fly Baseball with Victor Rojas
Mike is joined by Victor Rojas, professional Baseball Broadcaster, who has chosen creativity over panic during this "course adjusting" Covid-19 virus. Victor talks about his family-owned clothing business and baseball podcast he launched during this challenging season.
Covid-19 Baseball Dilemma
Jose Mota joins our show to talk about how this pandemic has impacted not only MLB but also MiLB (Minor League Baseball). Listen to see how you can help another in need.
Sharing is Caring... Especially when it comes to boots.
Mike is joined again by his friend and small business owner Paul Ray from THE BOOT STORE. Together, they talk about how sharing has impacted their lives during this time of uncertainty both personally and professionally.
Covid-19 and Firefighter
Mike interviews a LAFD Firefighter about recent events, specifically Covid-19, and how we can TOGETHER weather this storm.
College Kids vs the Virus
Mike Bearden is joined by four college students home on Spring Break and together they discuss their feelings and thoughts on how the Corona Virus is impacting their lives and the lives of their peers.
OpaZao Meets The Come Home Project
Mike talks with the founder of The Come Home Project John Commins on his journey in the Military, How it affected his marriage, and how he and his wife now help other military marriages through their organization TheComeHomeProject.org.
Thanks 2019
Mike is joined by his son-in-law Tate Cox to reflect on 2019 and how much they have to be thankful for. What are you thankful for in 2019?
Everything Changes
OpaZao guest Cody Spencer shares how he has overcome and continues to grow following the death of his father and all of his upcoming life choices after college.
The Need for Listening
“Listening is not
understanding the words of the question asked, listening is understanding why
the question was asked in the first place–” -Simon
Sinek
Listening has become a lost art.
Research on listening
indicates that we spend about 80% of our waking hours communicating: writing
9%, reading 16%, speaking 30% and 45 to 50 percent of our day engaged in
listening, to people, music, TV, radio, etc. About 75 percent of that time we
are forgetful, pre-occupied, or not paying attention. One of the factors
influencing this statistic is that the
average attention span for an adult in the United States is 22 seconds.
It’s no surprise to note the length of television commercials, usually anywhere
from 15 to 30 seconds. This constant change of focus makes it more difficult to
listen for any significant length of time. Immediately after we hear someone
speak, we remember about half of what they have said. A few hours later we
remember only about 10 to 20 percent. Yet, less than 5 percent of us have ever
concentrated on developing our skills in listening. When people hear these
numbers, they often say: ―This is so interesting. I know that I spend hours
preparing to speak. I don’t think I’ve ever consciously prepared to listen.
Prepare to listen
I’ve discovered the
importance about teaching people how to prepare to listen—to become a listening
presence. Many of us have had the experience of preparing to give a speech or
make a presentation. There are classes in public speaking available in almost
every community. We know where to go to learn how to refine and develop
presentation skills. For the most part we never even think about what it might
mean to prepare to listen—to become a true listening presence no matter what
the situation much less how to go about doing so. Two perspectives on listening
stand above the others.
Listening as an art
Listening is more than
hearing words and more than an action; it is an art. One of the common themes
of an art is the sense of being at one with it. Thinking about listening as an
art changes our perception of what it means to listen Rather than thinking of
listening as an act, something we ―do, we recognize it as an art, something
that we ―be, as a part of who we are, a way of being. We become a listening
presence.
Listening as a choice
We choose whether we
wish to listen. Most of the time, we are completely unaware that we are making
a choice. Learning that we have a choice to listen or to not listen is a very
powerful insight. We discover how much better we listen when we know that we
have chosen to listen, and how much less stress we have when we know that we
have consciously chosen not to listen.
FUN FACT: Less than 2% of people have had any
formal education in listening.
Yet, people spend around 70-80% of their day engaged in some form of communication, and nearly 50% of their time is devoted to listening.
Yet, people spend around 70-80% of their day engaged in some form of communication, and nearly 50% of their time is devoted to listening.
So, What I’m seeing
here is that there is a whole lot of empty listening going on. So, what do we
(I) do about this? I have been fortunate to begin surrounding myself with
individuals who have trained themselves in the art of listening. Together, this
is what we have discovered:
THERE IS A GREAT NEED
TO BE HEARD. Great Listeners can meet this need.
A GREAT LISTENER LISTENS by Knowing
the difference between hearing and listening, Avoiding the paralyzing
paradox of listening failure (hearing when you think you’re listening), and Sharing
a true intent to respond (which cultivates authentic and enduring
relationships).
A GREAT LISTENER will
pay close attention to their own well-being by increasing the following in
their daily life:
· Cultivating Silence
There is no listening
without silence. Listening to the silence, listening beyond words is also
called contemplative listening. It’s about taking time to be quiet and simply
be. Getting comfortable with silence is a practice that will transform your
capacity to listen.
· Desiring to Slow Down our Conversations &
Reflect
Reflective listening is
listening to yourself - your True Self -getting to know the voice of your soul.
Once we learn to know and trust this voice we find ourselves able to recognize
when we need to speak and when we need to listen.
· Listening in the Present
Deep listening occurs
at the heart level. It is present when we feel most connected to another person
or to a group of people. Our hearts expand and our capacity to communicate with
those of differing beliefs and customs increases.
I truly feel that LISTENING
is the cure for the emotional cancer that is increasingly crippling our society
and bringing us to our knees. Today we must rise together and thrive through
the Power of Listening.
Mike
Bearden
Lee, Dick. (2019, October). Listening:
Our Most Used Communications Skill. https://extension2.missouri.edu/cm150
Piombino, Kristin. (2013, Nov. 14). Listening Facts You Never Knew. https://www.prdaily.com/listening-facts-you-never-knew/
The Power of Next
We live in a time where fear, uncertainty, or doubt can dominate
our surroundings. This atmosphere seems to breed these and other emotions that
keep us from feeling anchored in life. If unsure economic times weren’t enough,
how about regular life challenges? The death of a loved one, birth of your
child, marriage, and divorce. Life is too exciting to remain stuck. Stuck is anything that keeps you
from moving forward. It keeps you from seeing what’s next. True progress cannot take place until one acknowledges when,
where, or why they became stuck. Only once we have taken an honest look at
ourselves can we can move ahead with our self-discovery and set a direction.
You can choose to give in to
every emotion and let it control you or you can “grab the reins” and use these
moments to contribute to your personal growth in a positive way. Yes, that’s
easier said than done, but that is what will create forward motion.
Where does one turn in times
like these? Do I just believe more in
myself? Do I purchase and read every book in the world on the topic of personal
growth or pay the perfect professional? While these choices can and do bring an
element of security and confidence in your next steps for each day, I truly
believe that a simple and balanced approach to life is the key to long-lasting
and decisive decisions that enable you to become who you are meant to be.
A good friend of mine lives
by the word “Thrive” and passes on this philosophy of living to others every
chance she gets. Thriving assumes that one is in the position to grow, move
ahead, get ahead, and prosper. I believe that Thriving in life can be the goal
to one day achieve as a lifestyle. Yet, in order to get there, you must often
get yourself out of the rut you find yourself in with each challenging season
of life. That’s where the need for NEXT comes into focus.
I’ll never forget my senior year in High School
when, during one of my varsity baseball games, I was pitching to a young man
named MASH. That’s right. His last name was MASH in all capitals on the back of
his jersey. His physical appearance made him look like he was on the “six-year
plan” for high school. I threw my best curve ball—and that’s when it happened.
I had never heard such a beautiful sound of a baseball coming in contact with a
baseball bat. It was one of those sounds where you knew that the ball was not
only hit as hard as a human could possibly hit it, but where I actually thought
I heard the ball itself scream “Ouch!” I could have been angry or upset, but I
had to just laugh. As MASH rounded first base, our eyes met. I gestured to him
with six fingers (suggesting that he was on the six-year plan) to which he
gestured back to me with only one finger. I’ll let you decide which finger he
used. I could have “responded” right then in another manner and “cleared the
dugouts.” (Our team was known for the occasional scuffle with other teams) But
I chose to just laugh. I made a choice right then to respond with the positive.
Fortunately, by my senior year, I had begun
establishing a positive response outlook on life. This baseball moment was one
of thousands of choices that I faced daily. Little did I know how important
this conscious and positive direction of the choices I made would become. Early
in my senior year of high school, I was blindsided with the news that my father
had been diagnosed with cancer. Here was yet another opportunity for me to
choose to respond positively and grow or give in to the daily challenges of
life.
Life threw me seasonal
curveballs and I chose to respond with what I now call “The Power of Next.” My
life has followed this thread of understanding in my marriage, my work, and in
every relationship I’ve had in each area of my life. Each day continues to
bring with it the opportunity to grow in the Power of Next.
The Power of Next focuses on
the never-ending challenge of bringing balance to an individual’s life
intellectually, physically, spiritually, and socially. Key principles behind
this balance are the “Element of Discovery” and the “Element of Direction”. It is
in Discovery that we find the Power we need to thrive in life, and it is in
Direction that we continue to discover the vital necessity of Next, thinking
forward and always living with purpose. Find your NEXT and begin living with
forward momentum with a positive purpose.
A Compass Without a True North
Anger gripped every bone
in my body. I didn’t even hesitate. I found my way into the car and just began
to drive. The dark of an 11pm night just added to my frustration. To be honest,
I don’t even remember what started the fight. I just needed to withdraw myself
from the tense atmosphere that shrouded myself and my father. Having this type
of blowout with my dad at the age of 16 might not be that unusual. But getting
lost in the “middle of nowhere” after an hour of just driving west was more
than unusual. In fact, it became a bit scary as I was forced to admit that I
was lost. My emotions controlled my actions. My mind was superseded by a heart
filled with conviction that I was right and that anyone who disagreed with me
was messed up. Had it not been for a beacon in the form of a light in the sky
declaring the location of the only car dealer in town, I would have really
found myself in trouble, knowing that I would have had to call my dad and let
him know I was lost as well. I knew that the car dealer was near a freeway and
that I could find my way home from there. I knew that the car dealer was north
of my location. Having that one bearing would help me navigate back home. Our
wonderful Earth also possesses a North Pole or true North.
Our planet has three North Poles (four if you count
Santa). First, there's true north, which is the northern end
of the axis on which our planet turns. But our planet's protective magnetic
bubble, or magnetosphere, isn't perfectly aligned with this spin. Instead, the
dynamo of Earth's core creates a magnetic field that is slightly tilted from
the planet's rotational axis. The northern end of this planet-size bar magnet
is what's known as geomagnetic north—a
point sitting off the northwest coast of Greenland that's changed position
little over the last century. Then there's magnetic north, what your compass locates, which is defined as the
point at which magnetic field lines point vertically down. Unlike geomagnetic
north, this position is more susceptible to the surges and flows in the swirl
of liquid iron in the core. These currents tug on the magnetic field, sending
magnetic north hopping across the globe (National Geographic, 2019). NASA
has recently published in 2019 yet another article on the continuous shift of
the Earth’s magnetic north (Nasa, 2019). Regardless of the possible political
consequences of the impending “doom” of even a complete shift in poles, just as
our physical world continues to move, so do our societal behavioral norms.
Today our society in many
ways has lost its sense of true north. I would raise the question of whether or
not we have moved away from our “Moral Compass” or our True North when it comes
to right and wrong. We live in a world that no longer desires universal truths
for the fear of offending another with a personal standard. While I personally
do my best every day to NEVER judge another person’s values, choices, and other
life decisions, I must admit that it does bother me a bit when others are not
so courteous to return that favor. I continue to witness so many persons who
are first to condemn another for feeling judged are also the first to quickly
judge others without getting to know, listen, or understand the other person.
This behavior is developing at such a rate that rational responses are slowly
disappearing in our society’s thought process. I see a changing society eager
to gravitate towards a “magnetic north” when it comes to moral character.
Popular opinion not only imitates true north but continually changes based on
the emotional turbulence of the moment. Another growing concern of mine is that
this new rule of character applies not only to the individual but becomes a
group/herd mentality that finds it easy to overreact and set rationale aside
for the sake of feeling that they are right. And of course, they are right, at
least for that day. Tomorrow, we don’t know which way the wind will blow.
Steven Porter recently wrote a summary article from
Dallas Willard’s posthumous publication, The
Disappearance of Moral Knowledge. In his article he wrote that Morality has
been left to be thought as mere “tradition,” feeling, opinion, or “faith.” This
view of morality is not action-guiding and it fails to provide an authoritative
basis upon which morality can be commended to others. The result is that
Western society was set morally-adrift (Willard, 2018).
I personally believe that as long as we continue to
ignore a “true north” and become comfortable with a “magnetic north” guiding
what’s left of our “sense of morality,” we as a people will continue to suffer
from identity confusion (a loss of direction) and perhaps even embrace all reality as relative. In some
psychological circles, this can mimic the very definition of psychosis, a break from reality and
living in nothing but a fantasyland. No wonder so much doesn’t make much sense
anymore. We must redefine ourselves as individuals who listen instead of judge,
are slow to speak, and slow to anger. We are in great need of taking a powerful
life pause and truly seek and honest self-reflection and begin to embrace our
current Identity. Only then can we live in reality and pursue real forward
Direction in our lives. We need a Compass with a True North.
The Power of the Pause
“You’ve
been given TWO ears and One mouth for a reason.” “Give yourself a time-out.”
“All things in moderation.” “Hey, let’s take a break.” “Take Five.” “Wait a
minute.” “Take a chillaxative.” OK, I made that last one up. But you get the
point. These sayings and others have been distributed to generation after
generation in the hopes that we might pause our lives long enough to gain
perspective and perhaps even wisdom before moving forward in life decisions.
Today’s
society seems to be so emotionally charged that people “react” prematurely and
immaturely in their decision making much more than acting wisely. I would argue
that the opposite of acting wisely is being a fool. Many generations ago, being
called a fool was one of the greatest insults you could label a person. You
might say that the word “fool” was the original four-letter “F” curse word.
There was nothing positive about being labeled a fool. Fools are often a
willing victim of deception. If a person has been successfully deceived by another, then that person is
considered a fool. Deception is
nothing but lying. Psychology Today defined it this way. Deception refers to the act—big or small,
cruel or kind—of causing someone to believe something that is untrue. Unfortunately, this has become a huge
cornerstone of our society today. Students lie on papers to advance their
grade. Children lie to parents to get what they want. Business thrives on it
for profit. And let’s not even go into politics. Or should we?
Deception
has grown out of control in today’s world. Perhaps it has always been from the
start. Yet, from my perspective, the toll it has taken in our world today is
one we just cannot seem to rebound from. Another old saying is, “You have to
tell another lie to cover up your previous lie.” And they just keep building
upon one another until you are caught, lose your job, end a relationship, or
just move on without really experiencing the depth of honest relational growth.
We live in a world permeated with deception/lies. It’s no wonder that we often
blindly accept the “word” of another as truth and allow them to guide our
lives. Today, so many people choose to quickly “buy the lie” and not exercise
patience before rushing to judgment and/or emotionally charged decisions that
more often than not are ill-informed and extremely biased in nature. This type
of communication is not only damaging but also benefits nobody.
I would
like to introduce a new phrase, “There is Wisdom
in Waiting.” Unfortunately, we live in a world that wants everything done,
and they want it done yesterday. Yet I would challenge you to discover the Power of the PAUSE. I believe that instead of rushing to quick judgment of what
often is deceptive communication from another, that you pause before opening
your mouth, mind, and heart, and ultimately reacting emotionally with very
little intellect behind your actions. The best way to begin defeating deception
and discovering wisdom is to PAUSE before making inward and outward decisions,
both verbal and non-verbal. My suggestion would be to take proportionate pause
response time before moving forward with all decisions. In fact, I would
recommend that the larger the decision, the longer the Pause that is needed
before moving ahead. Now that is wisdom. There is great personal power when we
take the time to breathe, relax, wait, and then respectfully respond to others
before we rush to judgment and rob ourselves of the respect and maturity that
comes with just a Pause.
Mary Ellen
All my ears could hear was the slow murmur of the
oxygen tank, slowly feeding the much-needed air to my mother who had entered
her last days in the comfort of her bed and loved ones surrounding her. The
“angels of the hospice program” were not only sent from above but also
expressed the gift of service reserved for incredible people with hearts of
gold. Mom’s labored breathing and lowering blood pressure slowly announced the
carefully calculated time my mom had left on this earth.
Then entered Mary Ellen, an 87-year-old Deaconess of
the Greek Orthodox Church. Also a resident of the facility of which my mom
lived, Mary Ellen cleans the feet of others. She never misses an opportunity to
serve those around her both physically and spiritually. And that included my
mom. Alzheimer’s Dementia had begun to conclude its merciless journey into my
mom’s brain for years and was now seeking its ultimate victory over her life.
While sitting next to Gerry (my mom’s boyfriend – that’s another story), our
time of sharing and listening was pleasantly interrupted as in strolled Mary
Ellen with her walker. With a loving yet firm expression, Mary Ellen informs me
that she was going to give my mom communion, following a special blessing she
had administered the night before. While I am not personally Greek Orthodox, I
witnessed a blessing like no other as she gently placed a Q-tip, dipped with
oil, on the lips of my mom. And then Mary Ellen proceeded to carefully move her
walker aside and slowly and very gingerly get on her knees next to my mom. She
then reached up and grabbed her hand, administered a prayer and gave communion to
her. No pomp & circumstance, just a humble lady faithfully serving another
in the midst of the oncoming death itself, seeking to take one of this earth’s
most precious gems. Only hours later, my dear mom was ushered into the hands of
God.
Personally, each day recently has made me feel like a
pinball emotionally, not just because of my mom’s physical condition but also
because my family is literally only days away from celebrating a DIY wedding
for my eldest daughter. Only days ago my eldest daughter Kristina was blessed
to spend time with Grandma while she still maintained a bit of consciousness.
While tears flowed down the face of this bride-to-be, she enjoyed sharing life
with her grandma and recalling events from the past that will now serve as
loving memories for her new family as well.
The emotions for everyone have been, to say the least,
all over the place. From deep sorrow of losing mom to incredible joyful pride
for the union of my daughter and her fiancé. And then, right in the midst of
this emotional roller coaster comes Mary Ellen, a reminder that when it comes
right down to it that what really matters in life is love, listening, and
serving others. This world is in great need of more saints like Mary Ellen and
a true love for others as expressed through unconditionally serving, even in
times of illness and/or coming death. As the mind, body, and spirit all come to
a close in this journey we call life, there is nothing to fear as long as we
have beautiful saints like Mary Ellen.
You Are my Sunshine!
“I know I don’t have any rights to these, but…” Before
I could say anything, my wife told Jerry, “Of course Jerry. You can have
these.” It began with a painting and ended up with a pillow. Realizing that
Alzheimer’s Dementia would ultimately claim victory over my mom, discussions on
what to do with her possessions began some time ago. When it came down to it,
there were really only a few items that carried with them enough sentiment for
me to wish to have upon her death. One was her Cedar Chest because it had the
uncanny ability to take me back to my childhood where I would pause and be
transported to another time and place full of youthful memories.
The other item was this painting of the sunset which
hung on my mom’s wall for the last few decades. To me this represented her love
for the beach as it depicted a sunset from the viewpoint from a beach overlooking
a coastline. In all honesty, when Jerry asked for this item, my heart stopped
ever so briefly. Fortunately, I didn’t even have enough time to think about it
as it found its way into the hands of my wife. Jerry was just sitting alone in
what used to be my mom’s room only hours before. He looked empty and lonely. As
much as my wife and I (and his family the night before) tried to let him know
he was loved, there was now a missing piece in his daily life/love routine. My
wife simply quickly disappeared with the painting.
As I paused for a moment and reflected for a bit with
Jerry on the time he spent with my mom, my wife returned with a picture on her
phone of the new residence of this beach sunset. Looking like it belonged in
its new setting brought a smile to all of our faces. Jerry realized that there
was an empty space on the wall right next to his room door and just knew this
painting would be a perfect fit. And he was right. Not only will this painting
fill a void on a wall, but it will also help the void in Jerry’s heart each
time he returns to his room at the end of a long day.
Believe it or not, I was still a little “miffed” at
the painting not finding a place at my house. You might be saying, “Mike,
really? Get over it.” And you would be correct. And don’t worry, that feeling
of jealousy of mine was short-lived. Soon after the painting had found its new
home, Jerry, holding back tears, explained why that painting had so much
meaning for him. You see, part of the way Jerry showed my mom love DAILY was to
type out songs they would sing together and slowly build a library of these
songs in a 3-ring binder. Jerry shared with us, “Birdie and I would sing You Are My Sunshine to each other, and I
would just sing it to her these last few weeks as she could no longer really
sing. This painting reminds me of those times.” I don’t miss that painting much
anymore because it has found a greater purpose.
As my wife and I
listened to Jerry, we began to better understand him. Listening was so valuable
to all of use during this challenging season of life. I am so glad that I paused
just long enough to listen to Jerry before letting emotions cloud my thinking
and do something ridiculous like keeping that painting for myself. My mom loved
the beach. Her love for the beach found its way onto a painting and now into
Jerry’s heart. Isn’t it funny how richer we become when we listen to others,
especially in times of sorrow? Thanks for letting me listen Jerry. Who is going
to bless you next as you listen to them?
For the Love of Jerry
Thanksgiving dinner was set. Everyone was satisfied with having eaten just enough to not have
room for dessert at the moment when my daughter was being teased for not having a boyfriend.
Before you could say anything, my mom interjects, “You don’t have a boyfriend? I do.” Under
“normal” circumstances this statement wouldn’t be too surprising. But let’s take a look back for
a moment. We had just moved my mom to an assisted living community near our home as her
Alzheimer’s Dementia began to reveal itself on a regular basis. So, now my mom has her own
apartment in an assisted living community, and a boyfriend? Who is this man?
A self-made salesman near Chicago turned business owner in California grows a family with a
loving wife who unfortunately succumbs to cancer, leaving this patriarch to age gracefully on his
own. Yet, he finds himself in an assisted living community in Southern California struggling
with physical challenges as he approaches his 90’s. In progressively ailing health, he struggles to
find the inspiration to move forward. One day, as fate sought to intervene, the Activities’
Director of the facility played matchmaker and asked if he would sit next to and welcome their
new guest on the outdoor patio. And as they say, “That was that.” Love had stricken this man for
a second time.
Here I was, watching my mom begin to act emotionally like a schoolgirl. It drove me nuts. I
struggled every day knowing what most likely lay ahead was not a pleasant rode, yet, my mom
was happy, happier than she had been in forever. My mom’s love for music forged quickly with
this man’s talents. He began slowly and consistently to woo my mother by taking advantage of
her love for music as he began to assemble a very thick notebook of songs that they both loved to
sing together. (Great, now they’re singing together. This is getting a little too serious for me). I
must admit that in the back of my mind always lingered the concern of what dementia would
bring into my mom’s life, relationship or no relationship. But this guy just wouldn’t leave my
mom alone. They ate together. They sang to each other. They held hands at community events.
My wife and I even took them out to dinner, mainly to check this guy out.
After becoming convinced of this man’s honorable intentions with my mom, I began to address
him as Jerry (well, that is his name). As the symptoms of dementia began to grow within my
mom, I witnessed a manifestation of love that I did not get to see as a child. The more
challenging the disease became, the greater Jerry’s unconditional love revealed itself. From
walking slower to walking with a walker and ultimately a wheelchair, Jerry stood by her side and
assisted her both physically and emotionally. I would rarely ever seem them apart unless one of
them found themselves in a hospital battling illness. But their love helped them overcome each
short-term illness and return to each other with a renewed motivation for whatever lay ahead of
them. Capacity for daily exercises began to dwindle. Jerry’s love grew. Mobility slowly declined
and Jerry’s love grew. Ultimately, my mom’s capability to eat disappeared and Jerry’s love
grew. During many, if not most, of my visits, I found myself interrupting my mom and Jerry.
Yet, near the end, I could see the worry and fear begin to plant seeds of uncertainty in Jerry’s
eyes. And still, Jerry’s insatiable desire to have my mom “get better” drove him to keep pushing
her to “stay awake,” “open her eyes,” or “sing with me.” Only days before my mom became bed-
ridden, a remarkable moment took place. As my daughters and I were visiting grandma, Jerry
leaned over and gently moved my mom’s head from sliding downward in the wheelchair. He
said, “Birdie (mom's nickname from Alberta), we never give up.” He repeated this phrase a few times. And just when I wondered if my mom was even conscious and aware enough to realize her surroundings, she opened one eye and slowly mumbled, “We… never.. give up.” OK, this is one of those moments when you want to just burst into tears from the emotion of the moment. Overlay some music on this moment and you have the makings of a Lifetime movie.
...Finished loading the last of my mom’s things into the truck from her room. As my wife and I
walked back into the room, there sat Jerry, all alone just looking at the bed where my mom once
lay. “What am I going to do now? I told her not to go anywhere and to WAIT for me.” I looked
at Jerry and told him two things. “Birdie lived as long as she did because of you. And she IS
waiting for you Jerry, just not here anymore.” Jerry is fortunate enough to have loved deeply
twice in his life. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what would this journey have looked like
if it weren’t ‘for the love of Jerry.’
Mike Bearden
Founder & Developer of Thepowerofnext.org and the NextListener.com program
room for dessert at the moment when my daughter was being teased for not having a boyfriend.
Before you could say anything, my mom interjects, “You don’t have a boyfriend? I do.” Under
“normal” circumstances this statement wouldn’t be too surprising. But let’s take a look back for
a moment. We had just moved my mom to an assisted living community near our home as her
Alzheimer’s Dementia began to reveal itself on a regular basis. So, now my mom has her own
apartment in an assisted living community, and a boyfriend? Who is this man?
A self-made salesman near Chicago turned business owner in California grows a family with a
loving wife who unfortunately succumbs to cancer, leaving this patriarch to age gracefully on his
own. Yet, he finds himself in an assisted living community in Southern California struggling
with physical challenges as he approaches his 90’s. In progressively ailing health, he struggles to
find the inspiration to move forward. One day, as fate sought to intervene, the Activities’
Director of the facility played matchmaker and asked if he would sit next to and welcome their
new guest on the outdoor patio. And as they say, “That was that.” Love had stricken this man for
a second time.
Here I was, watching my mom begin to act emotionally like a schoolgirl. It drove me nuts. I
struggled every day knowing what most likely lay ahead was not a pleasant rode, yet, my mom
was happy, happier than she had been in forever. My mom’s love for music forged quickly with
this man’s talents. He began slowly and consistently to woo my mother by taking advantage of
her love for music as he began to assemble a very thick notebook of songs that they both loved to
sing together. (Great, now they’re singing together. This is getting a little too serious for me). I
must admit that in the back of my mind always lingered the concern of what dementia would
bring into my mom’s life, relationship or no relationship. But this guy just wouldn’t leave my
mom alone. They ate together. They sang to each other. They held hands at community events.
My wife and I even took them out to dinner, mainly to check this guy out.
After becoming convinced of this man’s honorable intentions with my mom, I began to address
him as Jerry (well, that is his name). As the symptoms of dementia began to grow within my
mom, I witnessed a manifestation of love that I did not get to see as a child. The more
challenging the disease became, the greater Jerry’s unconditional love revealed itself. From
walking slower to walking with a walker and ultimately a wheelchair, Jerry stood by her side and
assisted her both physically and emotionally. I would rarely ever seem them apart unless one of
them found themselves in a hospital battling illness. But their love helped them overcome each
short-term illness and return to each other with a renewed motivation for whatever lay ahead of
them. Capacity for daily exercises began to dwindle. Jerry’s love grew. Mobility slowly declined
and Jerry’s love grew. Ultimately, my mom’s capability to eat disappeared and Jerry’s love
grew. During many, if not most, of my visits, I found myself interrupting my mom and Jerry.
Yet, near the end, I could see the worry and fear begin to plant seeds of uncertainty in Jerry’s
eyes. And still, Jerry’s insatiable desire to have my mom “get better” drove him to keep pushing
her to “stay awake,” “open her eyes,” or “sing with me.” Only days before my mom became bed-
ridden, a remarkable moment took place. As my daughters and I were visiting grandma, Jerry
leaned over and gently moved my mom’s head from sliding downward in the wheelchair. He
said, “Birdie (mom's nickname from Alberta), we never give up.” He repeated this phrase a few times. And just when I wondered if my mom was even conscious and aware enough to realize her surroundings, she opened one eye and slowly mumbled, “We… never.. give up.” OK, this is one of those moments when you want to just burst into tears from the emotion of the moment. Overlay some music on this moment and you have the makings of a Lifetime movie.
...Finished loading the last of my mom’s things into the truck from her room. As my wife and I
walked back into the room, there sat Jerry, all alone just looking at the bed where my mom once
lay. “What am I going to do now? I told her not to go anywhere and to WAIT for me.” I looked
at Jerry and told him two things. “Birdie lived as long as she did because of you. And she IS
waiting for you Jerry, just not here anymore.” Jerry is fortunate enough to have loved deeply
twice in his life. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what would this journey have looked like
if it weren’t ‘for the love of Jerry.’
Mike Bearden
Founder & Developer of Thepowerofnext.org and the NextListener.com program
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